was gettin rather emotional recently..cried today n yest..was suppose to meet dy yest for gym but in the end was held up by video stuff..so i cancelled e gym session wif dy..we were not able to digitise e stuff we took..spend hrs tryin but jux can't find..from 4plus till 6plus..was feelin rather stress n worried.. tot we had to reshoot..was controllin my emotions n stoppin my tears from rollin..however it failed when wei ting broke down out of e blue..thru her laughter..n at tt moment..ah cheng found the stuff we took..i cried..tink it was more of relief ba n a let out of e stuff tt's botherin me..duno how to explain..shall be random..we wasted the hrs tt's suppose to use for editin..so hav to start rushin le..was rather drained out after tt..left sch at 7plus gg 8..somehow i wished tt dy will appear at sch's bus stop to pick me..i wanted to rest on him but i know its impossible..actually i was abit disappointed tt he din come..he did mention tt he'll pick me from sch e nit b4 but i say no need cos i can feel tt he din say tt with a willin heart..i told him to come only if he really wan to..n in e end he din..was it cox he was held up at his mum's office or he is lazy to travel so far or he dun see a need to or he really din mean wat he say yest or...i duno..u can say tt its unfair to him coz i din request for him to come..but e ting is i feel tt tings lik tis shldn't be me openin my mouth to ask from him..it'ld be useless if he come jux bcos i wanted him to n he feels obligated..it shld be out of his own willinness n effort..tis goes e same to other things..its jux lik me gg to vivo to wait 4 him to get out of sentosa..gg to e mrt station to pick him..all these i did it on my own accord w/o him askin n i'll cont doin it as long as time allows..i dun mind spendin my time outside jux to wait 4 him n travel all e way to meet him..i've nv complain nor regret doin all these cox i did em willingly...i wan to spend more time wif him n i tink tt's sth sweet to do..its a form of care n concern i guess..seriously speakin..i dun lik waitin..i dun hav e patience to..i get agitated(esp when e person knowin tt i'm waitin n yet still take his own sweet time to come..lik jobobo..almost killed her but she's improvin)..but still..i'm willin to do it 4 him coz i wan to see him..i wonder how he feels when i do all these..perhaps he feels nth tt's y he's not doin e same ting..i duno how to explain clearly wat i'm tinkin but ya..i'm jux lookin 4ward to sth tt seems impossible..n i hope tt him sendin me home every time we meet is coz he really wan spend time wif me lik wat he says n nt bcoz he feels obligated to as in wat a guy shld do...i dun wan it to be a chore to him..its pointless to do so..nits lik yest..i really wanted to see him but i tink its jux empty hopes..coz its already nit time n i dun tink he can or wan to come out..n even if he wans..it'll jux make his parents suspicious..sometimes when i dun get to see him,i do feel lik callin him but tink it'll be inconvenient for him to tok n i kno he is nt e phone-type of person..i've to erase these tots from my mind..i tot of smsin him but din do tt eventually..he takes v.long to reply me recently n e waitin time will jux make me feel even more down..i juc look 4ward to him smsin me but its gettin lesser recently too..perhaps he's busy ba..sometimes i do feel tt he's abit cold..am i too demandin??haiz..perhaps we'ld nt hav started n i'ld jux admire him from afar..as long as he's happy..then i wun be tt demandin n possesive over him ba..it'll be easier on him too..more freedom n can keep himself available for better,sweeter n gentler gals..though i kno i'll be sad seein him wif other gals coz i kno i do love him but i'm satisfied enuf to see him happy..i wanted a r/s tt will last all e way wif him..i'm serious about our r/s but is tt possible?? will his parents object us coz of our religion n my backgrd??if they would,i dun see a pt in continuein anymore coz it'll be hard on him n he'll prob follow their decision in e end..unless he's willin to persist all e way wif me..though e tot of endin tings wif him already make me feel lik cryin but its sth tt e both of us should consider about..n i kno it'll be even harder for me to put down tis r/s as time goes by..i rather end tings now if e final outcome's a breakup wif him..b4 i fall deeper n deeper 4 him..kale kale kale...i really hope i'm nt a burden to u..if i ever become one to u,pls tell me..i dun wan u to be unhappy..i really hope we can last...hope u feel e same as me too... i went to gombak gym after sch..its nearer to sch compared to yishun's gym..will hav more time to spend at e gym..din ask dy to come..it'll be inconvenient for him ba..dun tink he wans to aso..

anyway i cried again durin danny's lesson today..actually more than half e class cried..my class are filled wif emotional creatures n plus our emotional lecturer wif his emotional lesson,it often land us cryin when sharin bout our past..e qn today was to tink of a teacher u respect most n y is e teacher worth rememberin..i tot of mdm sim..ahs humans hod..my sec 3 n4 geog teacher..e help n care she gave me..how she motivate me durin e pit of my life n e time she spends on me..n i cried while sharin lik e others..haiz..lazy to type already..shall end here..gg to meet dy at vivo after his work today =) anyway he stayed up till 1plus to do my work yest..so nice of him..i appreciate it..it sort of lessen my workload by abit..still gt e chi part to do..jia you gal!!!

today's e 19th bday of Edwin Goh Chuan Heng..it seems so long tt i type out his full name..for a sec,i tot i can't rmb..but it was still clear in my mind...tink today will be a sleepless nit for some ppl..uncle tony..didi..esp auntie angie..she should be in edwin's room rit now..n prob mummy..tt includes me too..time really flies..it has been a yr plus..no..its even longer..i've been neglectin tis great fren of mine ever since i moved out or i've to admit tt it was way b4..i can't even rmb when was e last time i celebrated his bday wif him n prob i dun rmb his bday..but every yr he nv fails to rmb mine..even didi rmb(he bought me a ducklin soft toy last yr n ask my mum to pass me n tis yr,he sms me..usin edwin's no which gave me a shock..n make me wana cry)..no matter how sick he was, he rmb to prepare a present n would specially make a trip to my house..i rmb e last bday gift i got from him was a box of choco..n i din eat it coz i dun lik e taste..wat a fren i was..i did not make much effort to treasure him when he's ard..rmberin his face when i last visited him at e hospital on sat..e sparks in his eyes when he sees me..e smiles n e warmth of his hand n his tears when we prayed tgt..we had dinner tgt..auntie angie bought me fish soup noodles..tt well reminds me tt we used to hav fish soup rice tgt at 216 market almost everyday after sch durin our pri sch yrs..it was e greatest moments of my life..with my family n to hav a fren lik him..we kno each other too well..havin no prob in confidin to each other at all..he gave all out..his sincerity n everything..he knos wat i lik n wat i dun lik..he knows my every action n my temper..n he gives in to me no matter wat..he dun let anyone bully me..rmb there was a time tt he stood up for me at e void deck..we were all so small at tt time..his built was smaller than me..but e smallest was of coz didi..so cute..he was more than a fren definitely..a soulmate..of cox..we've known each other since K1..mummy loves him too..he was e bestest godson tt my mum had..but i nv knew e word treasure..i knew he was tired but he force himself to stay awake bcoz i was there..he wans to spend time wif me..despite his sickness,he still cares 4 me..he's worried bout me..he's concern bout my prob..he keeps askin me to 4give n reconcile wif my mum n he said ur mum will always be ur mum n she still loves u no matter wat..but i told him tt he dun understand..i was wrong..he knos everthing..soon,i had to rush 4 work at maestro,b4 we prayed,he told me tt he wasn't afraid at all to return to god's kingdom..he's prepared..he's brave..tt was really e last time i get to see him..wks later,auntie angie invited me over to her house..she said was some kind of celebration..she hopes i can really go but i din..i can't coz i had to perform in a play tt day..i rmb it was a sat too..i tot edwin was recoverin..so i tot it was ok 4 me not to go..i can visit him another time..i was happy 4 him..but immediately after e play,i received a call from my mum..he passed away..i din manage to see him 4 e last time..i really regretted but wat's e use of bein regret?its too late..i broke down..i attended his funeral..i was wif didi thruout..we recollect e memories tt we had tgt..we'd alot to tok about..but it seems so long ago..memories of pri sch days..at jln tenaga..n it somehow stopped there coz we dun spend as much time tgt after we moved..even though we drifted physically..we're close spiritually..perhaps tis is wat we called lifelong frens.. i tink edwin agrees to wat i say too..at e funeral,didi told me tt i was edwin's closest n bestest fren ever..e other person wld be jia bao..edwin's sec fren..if i'm nt wrong, jia bao's in e same pri sch as us too..


somehow i was glad tt all his sufferings had ended..but still..i miss him..alot alot..esp when i duno wat e pp ard me are tinkin n i'm lost..whether they did tings out of true heart or they had a motive behind it..are they frank wif me..will they hurt me..do they really mean it when they say i'm their best fren or i'm someone impt to em..or is it jux on e surface..all these make me appreciate edwin even more..i kno he'll neither do tings to hurt me nor lie to me..he knos v.well tt i hate liars n hypocrites..thank u edwin..happy bday..

happy birthday to u
happy birthday to u
happy birthday to edwin
happy birthday to u

edwin..i miss u...

kaka,
cindy